Death isn't dark

Am I supposed to be troubled over the fact that I'm cold and heartless? At least when it comes to the topic of death. Just that.

There are images of myself stabbing people repeatedly just for the joy of the impact, without an issue about death.

I failed to be like the rest who go "that's so cruel, imagine the family's pain!" whenever I see gory images from massacres. Secretly, I want to know how mass killing would feel. Think they usually get numb after the first few, and the rest will seem like a game.

My mind's always tempted to throw heavy things at people just to see how badly they'll bleed, always THAT close to doing it.

There was only once where I "took the pain" and felt all jelly imagining the immense pain on myself. That moment left me genuinely shocked for I haven't been able to feel for others at all. Which is to say I've become increasingly incapable of feeling for others.

I can't see myself mourning over the death of others, exclusive of my nuclear family. Even that seems pretty surreal, it's only because I know I'll cry for sure. It's like having nobody at home... right?

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Yesterday, I took the bus with a friend I met on the way to the bus stop who was supposed to attend his grandmother's funeral (at 10) and amongst all other topics that were discussed, one was about death. I told him I can't imagine myself attending a funeral or mourning over anybody (I didn't tell him it was 'cause I can't feel, it'd be freaky for someone not so close to me).

I asked if he felt sad. The answer was "shocked, yes". Because his grandma was "dead" after being paralysed ages ago and he was prepared for it and shouldn't be feeling sad. He said shouldn't.

He told me about the death of two schoolmates he used to hate, and how he still felt genuinely sad for them. Honestly, I can't imagine. He told me he'd be sad if any of his friends were to die. I can't imagine. I'd probably not feel, like how I didn't feel anything when my hamsters died. I'm capable of not loving anything or anyone like that.

What's the value of life? I don't know. Even when I thought of dying a few months ago, the thought of others mourning over my death didn't cross my mind. It was purely about wanting to escape.

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I've actually felt this way since a long time ago.